shades of gray.

For some strange reason, I suddenly feel like I ought to go into teaching.

I'm not sure where this gush of sentimentality came from.

So. A friend cautioned me and reminded me that nothing is really in the big until I sign my soul on the dotted line and a verbal offer isn't really a confirmation CONFIRMATION.

After I got the verbal offer, the first thing I said to TSO was, "I CAN GET ANOTHER DOGGIE NOW!"

Sigh. Life and priorities.

It poured today.

And I stayed home.

I is happy. (:

seriously.

gimme the final offer already. i want to start earning money.

unfortunately, i have final rounds to go still.

IT IS TOO DAMN HOT TO BE DOING ANYTHING.

the sky needs to rain with money, diamonds and well, good old rain.

i think i'm beginning to feel pangs of sadness as i go through my last-whatevers of school. like, the last time i do group work, or the last time i have a presentation or the last time i run around frantically in the library trying to scour for a book THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE SHELF BUT APPARENTLY IT'S LOANED OUT AND THE LINC PAGE WASN'T UPDATED.

the impending last time-s of buying that japanese lemon juice in the green glass bottle, or trying to play soccer in the honours room, or eating breakfast from the yong tau foo stall before lectures or seeing some lecturers for the last time and knowing that although i'm a forgettable student, they were unforgettable teachers, mentors, lecturers.

the last time i'll sit in the reference section of the central library and glare at those ANNOYING CHINA STUDENTS who for some reason, don't shower and as such, people give a wide berth around them and leave 3-4 seats empty. (the circumference of smell is quite wide.) the last time i'll sit in the honours room or in the canteen at 7pm on some days eating dinner with soci mates and seeing how sociological theories are so applicable in our lives and how we're constrained by 'structure' and struggle to exert our 'agency' within our set of 'habitus'.

these are halcyon days.

i thought i had quite the ideal steal on sgst with that pair of heels but alas, it slipped out of my grasp like fine sand!

argh. i'm full of cheesy lines today, delivered not with panache but little-girl-grumpiness.

the upside of today was my 6.45am bak chor mee at the kovan interchange which didn't have a queue. (:

Some part of me is actually relieved that my academic life will be over in 6 weeks. Of course I'll miss wearing sloppy tshirts, rolling out of bed and not combing my hair and slobbering into class with slippers on. But, beginning a new phase of my life is gonna be exciting!

I'll miss talking with the lecturer whose office is opposite the Honours room. Or popping upstairs to chat for a bit with Prof Hill and just waiting for him to laugh because he's like Santa Claus. I'll miss the seminar room and the mass revision sessions everyone tries to organise so that we can all score together.

I think I'll even miss the insane amount of research that goes into writing just ONE GODDAMN BLOODY PAPER WORTH 8 PAGES ONLY...but I'm proud to announce that I am the queen of lit research and reviews. Unfortunately, there is an inverse relationship between doing good research and motivation to write papers. Don't ask why, the universe works in mysterious ways that mere mortals like me will never figure out.

Social capital is important. Social networks is important too. Social support is vital. Social identity is imperative. Ergo, Sociology is just wondersome (wonderful + awesome).

Hopefully people don't go off their separate ways and do their own thing after July. Hopefully there will still be steamboat sessions, impromptu sit-downs outside the National Library to talk about Sociological theories and karaoke sessions where a lot more people can make it.

Job offers are not pouring in. I'm worried but I think it'll be okay too. Resolutions! Be positive!

RIP Bianco Shoesies. You were the 2nd pair that I bought with my shoe-affinity friend, icedcooly . You were the brighter shade, eye-popping and cheery...kinda the effect epitomized whenever I went shoe shopping with her. You were much loved by me and well-admired by a lot of others. You were well-behaved and didn't bite, but caressed my feet more lovingly than any of my boyfriends have ever done. You enveloped me in your buttery leather and only showed me love, tenderness and kindness. Again, a lot more than I can say for some people. Rest well Shoesies, you will always be no. 1...until I go on my next shoe expedition with  icedcooly  and tissue . Even then, you'll never be a distant 2nd...

Born: Midsem break of AY 2008/2009, Sem 1
Died: Week 7 of Ay 2008/2009, Sem 2.

*throws roses at shoe cabinet grave*

Why. is it that my ex and I can talk so much more nicely, be mature with each other now. Why didn't that work out when we were together. SERIOUSLY.

WHY!?!?

I told him about graduating this year with a shitty economy to help, and said I was interested in a some industries and zooom, he went off to ask a couple of people what I should do, where I can go and even asked if they're looking to hire. It was just a casual conversation over MSN that had a lot of lines going like this:

WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE zomgness rahhhhh !@%^&$*# hello u can go and die la. yes, u see who ask u to treat me so shitty last time so now u know what what u r missing out on etc etc etc

That said, it's nice to be on good terms with the ex la. He's got a good head on his shoulders and he's not blond. Plus, he's got awesome taste in music. How often do you see Rage Against the Machine together with Miles Davis on a playlist?

I'm just  really thankful he actually helped me ask. It's no biggie but small gestures can mean big things to some people y'know?

to celebrate vday.

it's overpriced, silly and crowded.

and 3 years ago on this day, i broke up with an ex.

we're now friends, thankfully.

this last, final semester in NUS, i expect to go out with a whimper.

not a big, explosive HELL YEAH I DID THAT AND IT FELT AWESOME kinda bang but a, ohdearlordihavetofindajobnowandsufferadailycrowdedcommutetowork.

the science module (hello gin!) is er, okay? the lecturer is hot (to me) and hilarious (awesome combination in any girl) but i still get the heebie jeebies whenever i'm in Science. it's like every fiber in my body knows that i'm in some weird foreign place i'm not meant to be. it's like asking saints and monks to be in the red light district area, y'know? just wrong man.

and my health module. oh my dear scots. boy was i glad to see ling and sam (hello girls!) during my break time because it's my 2nd Soci lecture that is excruciatingly painful. (the first was by this obnoxious dude who totally ruined my passion for gender studies.) last semester, the lecturers seemed bent on making us kill our friends by having group projects for all modules. this sem, the lecturers seem bent on making us kill ourselves by insisting on all individual work. and hello, some papers are 4000 - 5000 words - might as write do an individual research module (ISM)! grahhhhh.

i didn't get to see my favourite lecturer who looks like a cross between a hamster and Santa Claus. i shit you not man. and he's awesome and friendly and he turns pink when he laughs and/or drinks.

ah well, at least my ethnography module looks somewhat cool. it's funny how i always really hated doing anthropology-ethnography modules. i used to think these people were all a little loopy and scatter-brained and disorganised....evidenced by this lecturer who came into tutorial once and said she doesn't expect us to keep strictly to the course outline/deadlines and be very organised about things because she's not very organised herself and she's still figuring out the mysteries of the student portal (by then we were in our 4th week of school) so errr, we'll try to get started on tutorial still (really. she did say all that.). but hey, i realised that these modules are actually pretty interesting and awesome.

whatever it is, it's my last academic attempt so i'm still gonna enjoy it and not get bogged down by the fact that moving around NUS can be a pretty lonesome experience, it's okay to be a wallflower and i'm gonna recycle my sloppy outfits! YES I WILL NO LONGER GET STRESSED OVER DRESSING IMMACULATELY! only because i just permed my hair and i'm going for the messy-rolled-out-of-bed look.

i literally do that. i got up late for my 10am class today and so didn't have time to shower. 156 is annoying slow, crowded and doesn't come on time. so yes, i will live in my rolled-up jeans, gray tshirts and messy hair.

and then if i decide to do graduate school, i will ascend to heathen-unkempt-heaven!

my sister (the 2nd one) is coming back in 24 hours!!!! :D :D :D i'm awesomely stoked because i have a new playmate who doesn't have to worry about work but still has money to spend. and maybe, i can whinge about getting a new family member from SPCA! it's been 7 months since ernie died and went to dog heaven, and i must move on! to a new love!

onward we march!

AERGHHHHHH.

AURGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

The revision is going nowhere.

I LOVE AVENUE Q! :D :D :D

Trekkie monster is like the dirtier, more honest version of Cookie monster.

I don't think a lot of people got the Gary Coleman jokes though...but ah well, there were others like Everyone's a Little Bit Racist Sometimes and What Do You Do With a B.A in English.

Me misses choir quite a bit now.

to the Deathcab concert where I hope I won't see his ex there if not I'll hurl myself off a cliff.

i'm a little intimidated with school because the *really* smart people are here. and it's not like i can waffle my way through class since it's all gonna be seminar-style. but i'm still hopeful and actually kinda excited at being back in a familiar environment. (THE LIBRARY!!!)

also, the honours year room has oodles of vodka.

how does that ditty go?
"glory glory glory heaven! oh, glory glory glory heavennnn. glory glory glory heaven and we all come marching home!"

yeah well, with a well-stocked fridge of 6 bottles of vodka (i counted)...how badly can the semester go right?

i wish i were like one of those rich pampered little girls. all those kind of girls have to do is smile sweetly at mummy and daddy, stretch out their palms and money drops on it.

how nice and it doesn't take a lot of effort.

i have not ever ended exams this early. wheeeheee!

but someone i know ended last wed. she started on saturday (26th) and ended on wed (30th).

it's only been hours but i feel kinda lost already.

meeep.

that would be me, aspiring chef.

the maid wanted to cook beehoon today but i already had it yesterday in school and was craving for some fish. i thought i'd pop down to Gardens since it's 2 busstops away/10min bike ride/20mins walk.

the paternal unit said he'd gimme a lift and paid for groceries.

the thai-style salad was okay, and the fresh button mushrooms were good. the fish...was A BLOODY PAIN IN THE FUCKING ARSE TO COOK. put low fire, lots of butter, sliced the fucking fillet in half and cubed them, STILL CANNOT COOK THROUGH.

i was *this* close to throwing the pans about the kitchen. me thinks i should stick to learning my mother's cantonese soups and not attempt complicated shit like this. seriously, it is not easy to cook fish.

and while typing this out, i got so agitated at recalling my frustration with the cubes of salmon that i nearly swallowed my chewing gum.

where are you?

i'm not even sure i really believe you're around or if you're a figment of some people's imagination, institutionalized by years of history, war, bloodshed and violence.

in any instance, i hope you're having fun laughing at my sorry state now. it's the least you could do since obviously, one of us isn't laughing.

i'm being ridiculous, i know. but it is almost an insane, insatiable obsession trying to find his ex's blog. it's insane because if i do finally find it and read it, i'll just be terribly upset.

i need more girlfriends because my current pool of friends has the boys outnumbering the girls by ALOT. really, girlfriends. where art thou?

if you don't mind an emo, short, nerdy girl who prefers Newsweek and Time to fashion magazines, and wouldn't mind in aiding the restoration of my sanity please drop me a comment here.

thankyouthankyou.