shades of gray.

In school you learn who are the good guys and who are the bad guys. In work you learn that pretty much everyone is screwed up (a polite term) and the desire to help has just fizzled out like a candle on a rainy day.

It's not that I want to turn cynical....but really, when your kindness that you extend gets trampled upon, you feel quite fed up. Everyone seems to tell lies, always assuming that you're too stupid to know that they're telling lies. Until you shout at them and tell them to stop playing stupid games because they are wasting your time because you have like 232784390 more cases waiting for you to attend to. 

You feel terrible after shouting at them because you cannot blame these people for doing what they do. It's the only way they know how to adapt in a big-city from a small-town where they come from. I'm not being patronizing but there is really a cultural dissonance here.

After feeling terrible, your energy gets really sapped because no one likes to give a scolding to anyone. And you just want to crawl somewhere and sleep and leave the fire-fighting to someone else.

And so someone remarked that because of what I do, my political sentiments has been toned down. I admire friends who remain so steadfast in their political convictions and loyalty. It's nice to have a constant that you believe in. But at this point in time, I really. don't. give. a. damn. My priority is to pay off my loan. I cannot afford myself luxury of thoughts like "Is this really for me?".

There's just not enough energy to do anything else after 6pm.

Tonight I went against my better senses to attend the Amanda Palmer gig at Stereolab.

I'm so glad that I decided to listen to G and just head along.

Neil Gaiman was there to do a reading.

 

Some sellers are funny. Their threats to blacklist you are...seriously...lame. It's like a kid who can't get a lollipop from his mommy and he threatens I WILL NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE.

Uh huh.

Okay, so I reply slow and sometimes don't really look at the instructions. You're going to blacklist someone because of that? Seriously people, you have no life issit? You camp out in front of your computer 24/7 waiting to sell? Are you all really that hard up for money? 

It's not like it's a done deal where there is an agreement in black and white stating that yes, I will buy from you and yes, you will sell it to me at the agreed price.

I think I'm supposed to feel contrite and bad but I'm seriously tickled by how these blacklisting things go around.

Don't you think it's quite hilarious when you read things like REPLY MY EMAILS IF NOT I WILL BLACKLIST YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! DEADBUYERS BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would colour it in red and bold it like some people do, but I'm just lazy.

What are you? 5 years old with no playmates?

Then how about sellers who refuse to reply to emails? How come they get off hopscopping free?

It's a buyers market. Just learn to deal with things lah. Chillax. Go play with chinchillas or talk to plants if no one will reply your emails within the next 0.8729343 millisecond okay?

Is it to be expected that you automatically get taken-for-granted after spending a few years together?

A few weeks ago at church, a girl shared how she prayed...

The thumb points closest to you...so pray for the ones who are closest to you.

The 2nd finger is used for pointing...pray for those who you've been angry with or who have been angry with you or those you find fault with or those who find fault with you.

The 3rd finger is the tallest...let it be for people of the highest authority. Pray that they have the wisdom and guidance of the Big Man up there to lead the country, lead us.

The 4th finger is the ring finger and the weakest...therefore pray for those in society and around you who are disadvantaged.

Lastly, pray for yourself. Don't ASK ask...like, can I have a bicycle, can I strike 4D, can I please not get pregnant etc. Rather, pray for guidance on what you can do to be a better person. Will doing this and having that make me a better person?

The Alpha Sessions so far have been very interesting.

well, to be specific i had sandwiches and cake and a lot of laughing with tissue . :D

yes, i should follow her mantra when it deals with friends. have a core few and the rest are just periphery. yay! but sunshine, i demand that you bring me along on Christmas thingamajigs with your boys. i'm really not a homophobe but i really. cannot. stand. queens. 2 weeks ago, i was at a dog show and apparently, the circuit is dominated mostly by gays. (you'd think they'd prefer owning cats from telly series eh? WRONG!) and good lord, one of them was so damn bitchy. HIS dog had an attitude problem and would try to bite any dog or human WALKING past it. you know what this queen said to like a group of 6 other dogs? 

"Can you all stand somewhere else? My dog doesn't like it. You all stand somewhere else hor."

KNNCB. you're telling a GROUP of people with their dogs to get lost when it's your dog that has an attitude problem like you. queens! and he's not even funny. like, bitchy but in a funny kinda way.

The mutt is a prize show dog. "/ Too bad animals aren't judged on behaviour too.

in other news, i finally have confirmation from the ministry. holy crap, i've seriously been praying hard and shitting in my pants because i was imagining all sorts of worse case scenarios. i'm excited but scared at the same time.

seriously, the one thing i've been worrying about is WHO AM I GOING TO HAVE LUNCH WITH?!?!?! like, if the work environment is mean and nasty that means lonely lunches for 2 years! ah well. studies have shown that if you eat alone you have a better digestive system since you don't talk during meals and no air gets into your body while chewing and swallowing...ergo, no indigestion!

things with TSO is alright. i got a little mad when i found out that his ex emailed him  out of naaaaoooowherrrre (no naddy, i am NOT in denial!) and he didn't give me a heads up...but other than that we're ok i guess?

seriously, why sneak around if you've got nothing to hide. just let me know like, er, hey, the ex emailed...it's about this and that etc, y'know? i tell him about random crazy indian boys who try to pick me up at busstops. (true story.)

speaking of ex-es, i really should email my ex and tell him his company is seriously nonsense and wayang and goddamn wtmfh. HONESTLY. the shit at work they throw and ask to do in drips and drabs...email you at 6.30pm and ask you to send it by tomorrow. eh hello, everyone think their email is "emergency" ok. TAKE A QUEUE NUMBER!

i miss sleeping in everyday till 2pm but doing stuff is better than inertia. :D

Is it inevitable if you start hanging out with someone really really often, your heart start to twinge and tingle a little?

For some strange reason, I suddenly feel like I ought to go into teaching.

I'm not sure where this gush of sentimentality came from.

So. A friend cautioned me and reminded me that nothing is really in the big until I sign my soul on the dotted line and a verbal offer isn't really a confirmation CONFIRMATION.

After I got the verbal offer, the first thing I said to TSO was, "I CAN GET ANOTHER DOGGIE NOW!"

Sigh. Life and priorities.

It poured today.

And I stayed home.

I is happy. (:

IT IS TOO DAMN HOT TO BE DOING ANYTHING.

the sky needs to rain with money, diamonds and well, good old rain.

i think i'm beginning to feel pangs of sadness as i go through my last-whatevers of school. like, the last time i do group work, or the last time i have a presentation or the last time i run around frantically in the library trying to scour for a book THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE SHELF BUT APPARENTLY IT'S LOANED OUT AND THE LINC PAGE WASN'T UPDATED.

the impending last time-s of buying that japanese lemon juice in the green glass bottle, or trying to play soccer in the honours room, or eating breakfast from the yong tau foo stall before lectures or seeing some lecturers for the last time and knowing that although i'm a forgettable student, they were unforgettable teachers, mentors, lecturers.

the last time i'll sit in the reference section of the central library and glare at those ANNOYING CHINA STUDENTS who for some reason, don't shower and as such, people give a wide berth around them and leave 3-4 seats empty. (the circumference of smell is quite wide.) the last time i'll sit in the honours room or in the canteen at 7pm on some days eating dinner with soci mates and seeing how sociological theories are so applicable in our lives and how we're constrained by 'structure' and struggle to exert our 'agency' within our set of 'habitus'.

these are halcyon days.

i thought i had quite the ideal steal on sgst with that pair of heels but alas, it slipped out of my grasp like fine sand!

argh. i'm full of cheesy lines today, delivered not with panache but little-girl-grumpiness.

the upside of today was my 6.45am bak chor mee at the kovan interchange which didn't have a queue. (:

Some part of me is actually relieved that my academic life will be over in 6 weeks. Of course I'll miss wearing sloppy tshirts, rolling out of bed and not combing my hair and slobbering into class with slippers on. But, beginning a new phase of my life is gonna be exciting!

I'll miss talking with the lecturer whose office is opposite the Honours room. Or popping upstairs to chat for a bit with Prof Hill and just waiting for him to laugh because he's like Santa Claus. I'll miss the seminar room and the mass revision sessions everyone tries to organise so that we can all score together.

I think I'll even miss the insane amount of research that goes into writing just ONE GODDAMN BLOODY PAPER WORTH 8 PAGES ONLY...but I'm proud to announce that I am the queen of lit research and reviews. Unfortunately, there is an inverse relationship between doing good research and motivation to write papers. Don't ask why, the universe works in mysterious ways that mere mortals like me will never figure out.

Social capital is important. Social networks is important too. Social support is vital. Social identity is imperative. Ergo, Sociology is just wondersome (wonderful + awesome).

Hopefully people don't go off their separate ways and do their own thing after July. Hopefully there will still be steamboat sessions, impromptu sit-downs outside the National Library to talk about Sociological theories and karaoke sessions where a lot more people can make it.

Job offers are not pouring in. I'm worried but I think it'll be okay too. Resolutions! Be positive!

RIP Bianco Shoesies. You were the 2nd pair that I bought with my shoe-affinity friend, icedcooly . You were the brighter shade, eye-popping and cheery...kinda the effect epitomized whenever I went shoe shopping with her. You were much loved by me and well-admired by a lot of others. You were well-behaved and didn't bite, but caressed my feet more lovingly than any of my boyfriends have ever done. You enveloped me in your buttery leather and only showed me love, tenderness and kindness. Again, a lot more than I can say for some people. Rest well Shoesies, you will always be no. 1...until I go on my next shoe expedition with  icedcooly  and tissue . Even then, you'll never be a distant 2nd...

Born: Midsem break of AY 2008/2009, Sem 1
Died: Week 7 of Ay 2008/2009, Sem 2.

*throws roses at shoe cabinet grave*

Why. is it that my ex and I can talk so much more nicely, be mature with each other now. Why didn't that work out when we were together. SERIOUSLY.

WHY!?!?

I told him about graduating this year with a shitty economy to help, and said I was interested in a some industries and zooom, he went off to ask a couple of people what I should do, where I can go and even asked if they're looking to hire. It was just a casual conversation over MSN that had a lot of lines going like this:

WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE zomgness rahhhhh !@%^&$*# hello u can go and die la. yes, u see who ask u to treat me so shitty last time so now u know what what u r missing out on etc etc etc

That said, it's nice to be on good terms with the ex la. He's got a good head on his shoulders and he's not blond. Plus, he's got awesome taste in music. How often do you see Rage Against the Machine together with Miles Davis on a playlist?

I'm just  really thankful he actually helped me ask. It's no biggie but small gestures can mean big things to some people y'know?

to celebrate vday.

it's overpriced, silly and crowded.

and 3 years ago on this day, i broke up with an ex.

we're now friends, thankfully.

this last, final semester in NUS, i expect to go out with a whimper.

not a big, explosive HELL YEAH I DID THAT AND IT FELT AWESOME kinda bang but a, ohdearlordihavetofindajobnowandsufferadailycrowdedcommutetowork.

the science module (hello gin!) is er, okay? the lecturer is hot (to me) and hilarious (awesome combination in any girl) but i still get the heebie jeebies whenever i'm in Science. it's like every fiber in my body knows that i'm in some weird foreign place i'm not meant to be. it's like asking saints and monks to be in the red light district area, y'know? just wrong man.

and my health module. oh my dear scots. boy was i glad to see ling and sam (hello girls!) during my break time because it's my 2nd Soci lecture that is excruciatingly painful. (the first was by this obnoxious dude who totally ruined my passion for gender studies.) last semester, the lecturers seemed bent on making us kill our friends by having group projects for all modules. this sem, the lecturers seem bent on making us kill ourselves by insisting on all individual work. and hello, some papers are 4000 - 5000 words - might as write do an individual research module (ISM)! grahhhhh.

i didn't get to see my favourite lecturer who looks like a cross between a hamster and Santa Claus. i shit you not man. and he's awesome and friendly and he turns pink when he laughs and/or drinks.

ah well, at least my ethnography module looks somewhat cool. it's funny how i always really hated doing anthropology-ethnography modules. i used to think these people were all a little loopy and scatter-brained and disorganised....evidenced by this lecturer who came into tutorial once and said she doesn't expect us to keep strictly to the course outline/deadlines and be very organised about things because she's not very organised herself and she's still figuring out the mysteries of the student portal (by then we were in our 4th week of school) so errr, we'll try to get started on tutorial still (really. she did say all that.). but hey, i realised that these modules are actually pretty interesting and awesome.

whatever it is, it's my last academic attempt so i'm still gonna enjoy it and not get bogged down by the fact that moving around NUS can be a pretty lonesome experience, it's okay to be a wallflower and i'm gonna recycle my sloppy outfits! YES I WILL NO LONGER GET STRESSED OVER DRESSING IMMACULATELY! only because i just permed my hair and i'm going for the messy-rolled-out-of-bed look.

i literally do that. i got up late for my 10am class today and so didn't have time to shower. 156 is annoying slow, crowded and doesn't come on time. so yes, i will live in my rolled-up jeans, gray tshirts and messy hair.

and then if i decide to do graduate school, i will ascend to heathen-unkempt-heaven!

my sister (the 2nd one) is coming back in 24 hours!!!! :D :D :D i'm awesomely stoked because i have a new playmate who doesn't have to worry about work but still has money to spend. and maybe, i can whinge about getting a new family member from SPCA! it's been 7 months since ernie died and went to dog heaven, and i must move on! to a new love!

onward we march!

AERGHHHHHH.

AURGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

The revision is going nowhere.

I LOVE AVENUE Q! :D :D :D

Trekkie monster is like the dirtier, more honest version of Cookie monster.

I don't think a lot of people got the Gary Coleman jokes though...but ah well, there were others like Everyone's a Little Bit Racist Sometimes and What Do You Do With a B.A in English.

Me misses choir quite a bit now.